Hey, mama…how ya doing? No, really…how are you doing? Because depending on how long ago you found out you’re having not one, but TWO babies, you may still be freaking the f*ck out.
Because I was freaking the f*ck out
It’s been two and half years since that sweet technician told me “I think I’m seeing two heartbeats here…” during our first ultrasound appointment. I was 7 weeks pregnant.
When I tell you twins were not on my radar, I mean they were so far from my imagination that I couldn’t even process what she meant when she said two heartbeats. My husband and I weren’t doing IVF (how blessed we were to get pregnant naturally) and there are no twins in either of our families…anywhere.
The first words I said were…
I actually told the poor woman examining me to ‘get a life.’ Not my finest moment, I know. I blame it on the fact that I was caught completely off-guard and was, for lack of a better word, stunned. There was no way. Absolutely no chance I was pregnant with more than one baby. The nurse (I can’t remember her name for the life of me, but I do remember how kind she was) asked me to go to the bathroom before she did a second examination to be “absolutely sure” about what she was seeing.
So there I was…standing in front of the mirror in the doctor’s office bathroom. And I was panicking. Like the sweating kind of panicking. I asked God to tell me what the hell was happening? Was this real? Did He have a plan for this? Because I didn’t.
Twins were NOT a part of my plan.
She confirmed it; there were two babies on the monitor. We were having twins.
I remember feeling so guilty because my first reaction was the opposite of excitement. I was terrified. I was overwhelmed. And this is the hardest to admit, I was upset. Like actually upset. I had *planned* this all out. Finish grad school, buy a house, get a dog, save up some money and then have a baby. ONE baby. I’d done all the math, all the planning ahead for us to start our family…and this was not going to work.
My type-A self was not equipped to handle this plot twist!
If you’re feeling any or all of these emotions, I’m here to tell you that it’s normal and more importantly…it’s okay. And it doesn’t make you a bad person or a bad mom. That was my biggest fear. That somehow I was a terrible mom already, or that I must just be a terrible person, because who isn’t excited and grateful when they find out they’re pregnant??
When we shared the news with our family and friends, everyone was over the moon happy. But I wasn’t…I was more scared than anything else. And it didn’t help that I felt horrible 97% of the day. Pregnancy was kicking my ass.
It felt forced when I tried to graciously accept congratulations from people. I was too worried about all the what-if’s. What if I can’t stay pregnant long enough? What will happen if they are born too early? What if we can’t do this?
But you just get through it. I got through it. You take it one day at a time. Every milestone…17 weeks, 24 weeks, 28 weeks…will feel like an exhale. You’ll process it.
This big, giant scary thing will start to feel a little less scary. You’ll get over that “what the f*ck” hill that you felt like you’d never reach the top of.
Take it one day at a time. Give yourself grace. Show yourself the same kindness you’d show a friend, or a loved one.
You wouldn’t tell someone else that they have “no right to be overwhelmed or nervous” and “should just be happy to be pregnant.” So why do we tell ourselves these things? I’m not sure. But we do…and we shouldn’t.
That’s why I wrote you this letter, soon-to-be mama of twins…
Because you deserve to be seen. Your feelings deserve to be validated. ALL of your feelings, at every stage of your pregnancy journey. A multiples pregnancy is unique and it’s complex. And it’s yours. Give yourself permission to feel all the things. It’s okay to grieve the loss of your prior expectations. You can do that and still have genuine empathy for those struggling to conceive. They are not mutually exclusive.
Most importantly, YOU CAN DO THIS!
It may not seem like it now, but you will look back and wonder how you ever envisioned something different than what you have now. You will draw strength and compassion from this experience that will forever change your perspective.
sending lots of love and all the positive, relaxing vibes your way,
Thank you so much for stopping by! I’m Molly, owner of Molly Katherine Photographer, a Boston newborn photographer specializing in young and growing families. I hope you enjoyed my “Love Letter to Expecting Twin Mamas” feature.
Molly Katherine is a newborn photographer (and twin mom!) serving families in Boston and MetroWest MA. She offers maternity, newborn and family photography that is simplistic and timeless. Her clients love that they get both digital images and beautiful portrait artwork to share and enjoy for years to come.
If you are looking for a Boston photographer and would like to see more of my work, feel free to check out my portfolio here.
If you are interested in a custom portrait session with Molly Katherine Photography and would like more information, please click here to learn more about me and this experience.
If you would like to reserve your 2023 maternity, newborn or family photos, in my MetroWest studio or outdoors, I would love to hear from you- let’s connect. Not quite ready, but would like to keep me in mind for the future? Just here for the mom content? I love that! Follow along on Instagram and let’s be friends!
Molly serves Greater Boston, Middlesex and Worcester counties including: Brookline | Belmont | Natick | Weston | Wellesley | Sherborn | Hopkinton | Westborough | Grafton and beyond